quotes from news.

In September 2007, on the mid-day news, I saw a story on a Nebraska senator who had decided to sue God.  Yes, God.  The senator said "It's a lawsuit against a defendant who has perpetrated much harm and damage on the human race."

The reporter managed to say, with a straight face, "In the lawsuit, state senator Ernie Chambers claims God has made quote terroristic threats and caused national disasters like floods, earthquakes, and tornados that have killed many. Chambers is seeking a permanent injunction against God."
-ABC11 TV News, Raleigh

 

Evangelical teens don't accept themselves as people who will have sex until they've already had it. As a result, abstinence pledgers are considerably less likely than nonpledgers to use birth control the first time they have sex. "It just sort of happened," one girl told the researchers, in what could be a motto for this generation of evangelical teens.
-Hanna Rosin, in a Slate.com review of Forbidden Fruit: Sex & Religion in the Lives of American Teenagers by Mark Regenerus

 

In response to the November 2006 allegations that Rev. Ted Haggard, had a 3 year paid relationship with a male prostitute from whom he also bought methamphetamines, Rev. Haggard hilariously claimed he hung out with but never actually had sex with the prostitute, and bought but never actually used the meth.  Haggard's colleague had this to say:

Somebody like Ted, who's so prominent, is going to be under constant attack from evil and temptation. So it's hard for any of us to understand the level of temptation or the level of attack he's had to deal with, but if this is the case then he walked up to the edge and was victorious, and I think we ought to celebrate that.
-Rev. Donald Armstrong

 

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg said Tuesday
"Everyone is a loser here."
-Front page of CNN.com December 21, 2005

 

Canada is a sweet country. It is like your retarded cousin you see at Thanksgiving and sort of pat him on the head. You know, he's nice but you don't take him seriously. That's Canada.
-Conservative bow-tie-wearing MSNBC pundit Tucker Carlson

 

[Feminism encourages women to] kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.
-Pat Robertson on the 700 Club

 

Don't cheerleaders all over America form pyramids six to eight times a year? Is that torture?
-Charles Graner's pitiful Defense Attorney, Guy Womack, referring to the Abu Ghraib torture scandal photos featuring a grinning Graner standing over human pyramids of naked prisoners

 

Uggs.  These boots are furry, and ugly, I think we can safely call them FUGLY.
-VH1 Big in 2004 Trend Report

 

How can 59,054,087 people be so DUMB?
Front page of the U.K. Daily Mirror,
the day after President Bush's re-election, 11-4-04

 

It's more addictive than a cigarette wrapped in bacon!!!
-XBox Magazine review of Burnout 3

 

In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you link up to another computer, you're linking up to every computer that computer has ever linked up to.
-Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"