quotes from tv.

Wilson: Do you know your phone's dead?  Do you ever recharge your batteries?
House: They recharge?  I just keep buying new phones.
-Drs. House & Wilson on House, M.D.

 

They've got colors and scents now! What the hell are you smelling the condom for, ladies? We got a condom on, get your nose away from it! TIME is of the essence. My boy is suffocating! Y'all start asking questions, ladies. "Why's he all soft?" Well he ran out of air, Miss Talkie! Let's put a bag over YOUR head and see how long YOU stay alert!
-Chris Porter on Last Comic Standing

 

Dr. Gregory House is arguing with Dr. Lisa Cuddy and a female nurse, trying to get Cuddy to see a patient instead of him:
Nurse: The patient in One requested a male doctor.
Cuddy: Looks like the balls are in your court, doctor.
-House, M.D.

 

Doctor: [Is that a] sonic blaster, 51st century, [from the] weapon factory at Villengart?
Captain: You've been to the Factories?
Doctor: Once.
Captain: Well, they're gone now, main reactor went critical, destroyed the lot.
Doctor: Like I said, once. <pause> There's a banana grove there now. I like bananas. Bananas are good!
-Conversation between two time travelers on Dr. Who

 

Hey! Either spin a plate on your nose while you do that or cut it out!
-Paris, to someone leaning his chair back on it's back legs on Gilmore Girls

 

Canada is a sweet country. It is like your retarded cousin you see at Thanksgiving and sort of pat him on the head. You know, he's nice but you don't take him seriously. That's Canada.
-Conservative bow-tie-wearing MSNBC pundit Tucker Carlson

 

[Feminism encourages women to] kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.
-Pat Robertson on the 700 Club

 

I don't see how we can have a separation of Church & State in this government, if you have to pass a religious test, to get in this government. And I want to warn everyone in the press & all the voters out there, If you demand expressions of Religious Faith from politicians, you are just begging to be lied to. They won't all lie to you, but a lot of them will, and it will be the easiest lie they ever had to tell to get your votes. So every day until the end of this campaign, I will answer any question anyone has on government, but if you have a question on Religion...Please go to church. Thank You.
- Alan Alda as a Republican presidential candidate on "The West Wing"

 

Rory: Why do you care?
Paris: I don't, I'm just making an observation.
Rory: Great, we'll build a dome over you and jam a telescope in your head.
-Gilmore Girls

 

Uggs.  These boots are furry, and ugly, I think we can safely call them FUGLY.
-VH1 Big in 2004 Trend Report

 

Tortured scientist: You son of a bitch.
Dr. Soon: Actually, mother was a chemist.
-Star Trek: Enterprise 11-5-04

 

Tomorrow is election day. Get out there and vote, and not just because it's cool, because it's not. Uhh, I will tell you what's cool... smoking. Do that while you vote!
-Jon Stewart on the Daily Show, 11-01-04

 

On a personal note, I am a comedian who makes fun of what I believe to be the absurdities of the government. Make my life difficult. Make this next four years reeeeeeally shitty for me, so that every morning all that we can do is come in and go "uhhhh, Madonna is doing some Kaballah thing, you wanna do that?". I'd like that. I'm tired.
-Jon Stewart on the Daily Show, 11-01-04

 

The Iraq war is the major issue in the foreign policy debate between Bush and Kerry.  Now, debates are delicate things, and both of these candidates are fragile men.  The slightest breeze could blow either off his pre-scripted answers... into a dark, disturbing forest of spontaneity.
-Jon Stewart on  The Daily Show, September 2004

 

Keith: [I slept with] Celeste.
David: Ok, bullshit.
Keith: I'm serious.
David: Celeste is a woman... isn't she?
Keith: She is... but I've slept with women before, you know that.
David: You're serious, you slept with Celeste?
Keith: Once, it was an accident!
David: What, you were walking by and just happened to fall into her vagina??
-Lovers David and Keith on "Six Feet Under"
 

 

Brothers and sisters are natural enemies... like Englishmen and Scots, or Welshmen and Scots, or Japanese and Scots, or Scots and other Scots. Damned Scots, they ruined Scotland!
-Groundkeeper Willy on "The Simpsons"

 

She just wants a fighting chance to feel, at the very least to look like the woman she could have been if she lived in this country, instead of someplace where men are such pussies that they have to neuter their woman to get a hard-on.
-One plastic surgeon commenting to another about a Somalian victim of female genital mutilation who is about to have clitoris reconstruction surgery on Nip/Tuck

 

Men only think about three things, food, sports, and sex.
DOGS are more mysterious. If they ever invent a refrigerator
with a widescreen TV and a vagina, we're all doomed.
-Linda Cardellini as Nurse Sam Taggart on ER

 

After all if growing up is war, then the friends who grew up with you deserve a special respect. The ones who stuck by you shoulder to shoulder, in a time when nothing was certain, all life lay ahead, and every road led home.
-Kevin Arnold, "The Wonder Years"

 

In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you link up to another computer, you're linking up to every computer that computer has ever linked up to.
-Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"

 

Romiette, Romiette! Here for art me, your Julio!
-Pepe Le Pew

 

She went out for a little fresh air and, what, his penis fell in??
-Ally McBeal

 

[Courtroom dialog re: jury:] "What does this mean, them coming back quickly?"
"They have weekend plans."
-Ally McBeal

 

Just so we're clear, we hate her, right?
-Elaine, on Ally McBeal

 

Ray: So as a woman you see nothing wrong with putting half naked girls in a ring rubbing mud on their breasts for the sole purpose of tittilating men?
Ling: No.
Ray: Nothing at all?
Ling: Suppose we put them in a ring as boxers, and cheered for one to knock the other unconscious, would that be better?
Ray: Are you comparing boxing to mud wrestling?
Ling: Of course not. Boxing is worse. Talk about reducing people - let's pay men to beat on each other. How rich.
Ray: Have you ever met any of the women in your club?
Ling: Why should I?
Ray: Ever bother to check out their backgrounds, find out why they're in that ring as objects of sexual desire?
Ling: It would be hypocritical of me to ask. It would suggest I care.
Ray: Maybe a few of them feel like they have little choice. Perhaps for some of them it represents their only choice.
Ling: Well then how lucky they are to have you to take that choice away. With feminists like you, who needs chauvinists??
-Courtroom dialogue on Ally McBeal

 

Women are exploited by the high heel shoe. Women are exploited by the idea that we have to paint our eyelashes every day just to go to work... pharmaceutical companies spend billions of dollars convincing the world that cellulite is evil. Is that to empower women? What world do you live in?
-Ling, responding to questioning about mud wrestling exploiting women on Ally McBeal

 

She's my hero! She's vicious, I disagree with almost everything she says, she treats me like dirt, and somehow she's my hero!!
-Ally McBeal